I once thought that life journey cycles somehow couldn't repeat themselves... and now I understand spirals...

In one sense the life moves on but the twists and turn seem inevitable... almost cyclical but never the same cycle twice... sometimes in my life the spiral is upward and sometimes down. 

In the last six months I finally found a church, I'm getting involved with leadership at a singles ministry, I've finally got things to do on the weekend, I've grown a lot in my understanding of not being politically correct but speaking the truth of Jesus to people in love regardless of how they'll think of me, I found out my good friend and I are related through our grandfathers, went on vacation with friends to Florida, have decided to go on a missions trip to Cambodia to work with orphans, volunteered to help the poor have meals, won scholarships, and been given an awesome opportunity to work as a research assistant for a really famous professor toward my dream of being a law professor. 

In the last six months I've also lost the best friend people look lifetimes for, been cheated on, seen my marriage hopes go to the toilet, been betrayed by another close friend, sucked at law school, nearly lost my grandmother as I was at her bedside watch, had to start a new job and then just quit my job altogether because my boss pushed me to the point of shaking and near insanity, suffered from medicable depression and anxiety, taken 280 sleeping pills, seen a counselor that told me I deserved my pain because I was too loving, and had to force myself not to drink vodka at 8am and 3pm to take away the pain in my chest that was almost physically unbearable. 

When I look back at my last entry from over a year ago... I thought I could somehow find closeness and contentment with my current life if I found friends etc...  What I've learned is that it can get worse... life will bring ups and excutiating downs... sometimes dreams will be accomplished and other times it will seem like you will go to the depths of hell in despair and anguish... Therefore, what we put our hope is not what is seen... I've been spiritually dry the last few months... perhaps it was because I feared going to the depths again and actually have to put my trust in God once more... even though the cycle almost repeated itself from last year... it didn't.  It spiraled downward and got worse .  And I still didn't learn.  Yet, through these sometimes joyous and sometimes awful spirals when my faith is as fleeting as the wind, or I am a practical atheist... God is faithful, He is sovreign, and he is Trustworthy when we put our hope only in Him. 

Sometimes I think I'll never get used to all the curveballs life throws at me... I don't expect anyone to read this, I just feel the need to honestly get some things off my chest.

All the transitions recently are really taking their toll.  I guess I'm a bit more of a creature of habit than I realized.  It's taking a while to get used to not having best friends in the next room, no christian friends, people I encounter making fun of protestants... I don't know about everyone else, but it seems like I've either had my head in the sand about the "sex" culture in America and it is just now been pronouced to me or it's just getting noticeably worse... Last night I got to hang out with Tabby and Morgan and Tabby's friends from church for her cancer remission party.  It as SO good to be in the company of christian people again... Sunday's in New Jersey are a dreaded experience for me... people in church are "unfriendly" and even hostile sometimes... I haven't found any christians my age and the wear and tear on my soul is showing.  I tried to make some friends at school... but, I guess we'll leave that at it was basically me trying to drag 7 drunk people out of a Philly bar at 2am so they could take sober me back to the train so I could go home.   I also tried to befriend some other people... they all give me the fake smile at school, pretend they don't know me, or ignore me in conversation.  I haven't experienced this since high school when people would try and use me for homework answers and then ignore me later... However, I'm hopeful today.  At work I found out this week that a friend of mine there is actually a christian and he and his wife go to a church outside Philly where there are a lot of grad students and post-college people.  I'm hoping to finally make some friends here... I guess some people will crack up when I tell them this guy and his wife invited me to a predominantly Asian church.  For some reason I've always been drawn to Asian peoples.  This may be the closest I'll ever get to China.  In my heart I still want to go there badly, but I also know that some things in the heart have to be dealt with the head... And some matters of the heart hurt too much to think about with the head... Ivan and I are on a three month hiatus, if that's really possible when you're an ocean and then some apart... I miss his company... Since the break I've been having these pangs of lonliness that sort of feel like some sweet part of my heart died.  I'm almost tired of love and trying to love people.  I remember a few years ago when I could have cared less about people.  I viewed them as tools.  And then I had some mountain-top epiphany where God taught me how to love them, to hope for them, to want the best for them.  It seems like this love epiphany has only ended up in me being used, hurt, or abandoned.  And I'm not just talking about romantic love, but firendship as well... At first I let it go thinking, well at least I was able to be Jesus to them when they needed it.  But, for some reason after this happened once or twice I even thought well hey, if I lose weight and do a make-over, then I'll get a love I've been looking for, one that doesn't want all the good stuff from me without committment. Trying this "prettier" approach seems to have only made things harder and more hurtful and more complicated.  However, my mom has reminded me that God has not done any of that in his love for me... and in those times where it doesn't seem like real love is possible for me it's not God who has moved, it was me.  I'm slowly finding my way back there...one day at a time. Lord, grant me mercy to get through this Sunday.  Amen.